Steve Jobs will not announce today that Levi's and Black Mock turtlenecks are worn by all computer tycoons and not just him...

'Here you can see that this individual who works for IBM is also wearing Levi's and a black mock turtleneck, that being said I am not the only one who does this. The only other feasible outfits for a computer tycoon are the occasional red jogging suit or the tan shorts and black t-shirt ensemble. We have 18 PHD engineers who design my wardrobe, it is one of the most advanced wardrobes in the world."

Steve Jobs did not say today at a press conference that did not take place.

Steve also did not point to circled animations on the overhead screen saying 'X marks the spot' repeatedly when it was clearly a circle marking the spot, as he has several times in a meeting that actually took place.

He was not quoted as saying; 'X marks the spot, these are the Levi's and here we have the black mock turtleneck.'

Jobs has also failed to address the problem of his regularly grizzled appearance failing to comment that;

'If I don't take the time to dress up what makes you think I could be bothered to shave my face? Besides the stubble brings out my ruggedly handsome features and draws attention away from my hands which never stop moving while I speak. "

Steve did not go on to site statistical information not taken from Apples customer service database, not elaborating that;

" Only one half of one percent of all apple users think I look like a tool, these results are only a few days old and I am hoping to bring that percentage down by next week. Another poll taken by our customer service representatives shows that 40% of female Apple users who know what DOS stands for also want to have sex with me."

Jobs brought the fake news conference to a close by not saying;

"Ligers will soon be real, Apple has invested 100 million dollars to genetic research that will enable us to cross breed lions and tigers and infuse them with magical powers, soon every home in America will have a Liger for domestic saftey. We currently have 18 PHD genetic engineers working around the clock to create the most advanced Liger the world has ever seen, including a buy it now option for the different spells you would like your Liger infused with. However if you put a collar on the animal it loses all of it's magical abilities, X marks the spot." Not followed by an animation of a Liger with a circle around his neck.